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Friday, September 30, 2016

Golden Toilet

 Golden Toilet

Disclaimer: Many of the stories are completely fictional.  Other stories are fictional accounts of true stories.  Other stories are completely true.  Sometimes the names have been changed to protect the innocent.

I was a tuba player in the Crescent Tiger Band.  I was in all the bands the school had as were most the more serious band students.

Crescent had three tubas. I had one at school to use and I brought one home to practice on.  It was a lot of work to haul a tuba back and forth.

I call it a tuba but as any real musician would know, what I played was actually called a Sousaphone.  It had been designed by John Phillip Sousa to make a more convenient way for tuba players to carry their instrument in a marching band.

I kept the tuba I brought home in the front room at McClendon Manor.  It was really the only room in the house close enough to the front door for me to lug the tuba in to without tearing the rest of the house down.

The living room was just inside the front door and to the left as one started in the house.

One day two of my friends, U. J. Derrick and his sidekick Sylvester came over and we sat out on the front porch sipping iced tea and “Jawin’ “ as we called it. We were sitting there watching the lightnin’ bugs jawin’ about school and work and life in general when, after a while Sylvester’s tea kicked in.  He said, “Bird, I need to borrow your facilities.”  I responded, “Bring them back when you get through with them.”

This was the usual banter that we had back and for the whenever we were over at one another’s house and we needed to pee.

It seemed like Sylvester was gone for a long time so U. J. and I gave him the usual ribbing.  “Hey man, did you get lost?”  

A couple of days later U. J. and Sylvester were in the truck going fishin’
They talked about this and that.  They talked about Juanita down to the diner and things such as that.  At one point Sylvester said to U. J. “ I always thought that Bird’s family had money but I did not know they was that rich.”

U. J. turned to Sylvester and said, “What are you talkin’ ‘bout, His family has to work and scratch just the same as everbody else.”

To which Sylvester replied, “No, Bird’s family has a gold toilet. “
U. J. said, You are crazy man, they ain’t got no such a thing.”

Later, that evening my phone rang.  I picked it up in the upstairs den and I heard U. J.’s voice on the other end.  He said, “Bird, I fount out who pooped in you tuba. “

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